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Sunday, June 25, 2000

Damn you Bill Cosby, you lying whore! -- Sharkey @ 1:05 pm
So, I'm sitting around the other day, and something makes me think of Bill Cosby's old commercials for Jell-O Pudding Pops. Remember those? They were thinner than the other ice-cream bars, but some flavors were pretty good. So I'm thinkin' about 'em, and thinkin' about 'em, and sure enough, I get the craving.

Now, I'm not really picky when it comes to food. Don't get me wrong, I have a fine taste for fine things, like great steaks and fine Italian cuisine, when the time arises. But when people are picking places to eat, I usually don't give a shit unless it's McDonalds, which I loathe. I rarely get cravings for anything. I mean, I have to sit staring in front of the fridge for a few minutes before I actually feel like eating something. So you can imagine that getting a craving is a very rare occurance for me. But when I do, I must get whatever it is that I'm craving. Soon.

So I head on down to the grocery store, I get my regular stuff, I cruise down the soda aisle, grab a few steaks from the meat department, get chips and bread and whatnot. Then towards the end, I cruise on down to the frozen desserts. I look up and down, up and down. Yet I do not see the Jell-O Pudding Pops that were such a rare treat in my childhood. So I cruise it again. Up and down, up and down. I see Bomb Pops and Klondike Bars, I see Chipwiches and Frozen Yogurt. What do I not see? Jell-O fucking Pudding Pops. The one and only reason that I came to the damn market in the first place. And all I can think of now is the yummy taste. After all, there's always room for Jell-O, right? But I have no Jell-O Pudding Pops to satiate my hunger!

So you know what I do? I go to the punkass twerp behind the counter and I say, "Hey, where are the goddamn Puddin' Pops?!?" And the guy says, "The Jell-O ones?" Then I respond with, "Like there's some other kind than the ones Bill Cosby used to hock on TV?" Then the guy leads me over to the cakes & pastries and shit, and he shows me where the Jell-O Pudding is. Then he tells me that he doesn't think they even make Jell-O Pudding Pops anymore, and that if they do, the supermarket doesn't carry it. But there's a bright side, he assures me. There's every flavor of Jell-O Pudding to choose from.

... So he's dead, don't think anybody'll miss him. I picked up some of those damn pudding packets anyway, figure I may as well get something close. But this is probably the first time I've been flat out de-nied like that. Well, except for when they cancelled Frankenberries. I always wanted to try that shit, and it took years for them to bring it back. So I ask you MoFos this. Do they still make Jell-O Pudding Pops? And if so, where the Hell do I get them? I'm seriously in NEED here, kids. And all I got to tide me over is that pudding shit in the fridge coolin'. Speaking of which, I'm gonna go eat some and dream of jamming popsicle sticks into Bill Cosby's eye sockets.

-- Post Your Comments :: (5)

Imitation Leather Jacket -- Jeff @ 1:59 am
Like many people, I am an avid reader of print magazines. I'm a big fan of tech news mags like Wired, and really enjoy the graphic design (i.e. all the pretty colors) and the general look-and-feel of the thing. Plus, you get 300+ pages of (generally) well-written articles for $1 an issue if you get a yearly subscription.

The point is, Wired is a rather stylish rag, though, which really tries to ingratiate itself to young professionals with "new money" generated by their brand-spankin' internet startup ventures while they wear J. Crew polos and black horn-rimmed glasses. And I guess that's cool - I mean, everybody wants to look good for the camera.

In the end, though, it still delivers a good swatch of actual content. Most enterprising journalists agree that "reporting" that involves actual reporters is the best way to be taken seriously by both peer and public, and to fall under the general category of "magazine". Even corrupt journalists probably realize that you actually have to give a reader, you know, something to read.

(Nevermind that I just implicated my own guilt as a slacker. Onward.)

But then there's shit like this that tries to blow it all to hell. It's a magzine called "Sony Style". Sure, it has the, uh, delightful Mena Suvari on the cover, but don't let this journalistic nightmare encroach upon your life.

Recently, my girlfriend picked up an issue of it. Yes, it's sad but true. She couldn't help herself... she was drawn in by all the pretty colors and flashy art on the cover. But what we found inside was nothing short of subversive and evil. We found... well, nothing. At least, nothing worth reading. It was all Sony ads. Ads for Sony products. Ads for Sony services. Ads for Sony movies. Ads for Sony ads, even. "Buy our ads!"

We had just stumbled upon the largest piece of corporate propaganda known to man. It was a company brochure masquerading as magazine. I felt violated.

The magazine was quickly burned and the remains shipped via air freight to the four corners of the globe. The Mofo Army™ was called into action and many Sony employees died in the conflict. I did an exorcism on my girlfriend for having "read" the magazine, and a threw a coupla Hail Marys in for good measure. Robert Tilton was called in, and he said that the house was "clean and okay from any demonic influences (fart)."

I just wish Sony would try to be a little more low-key as money-grubbing corporate whores.

-- Post Your Comments :: (8)

Corporate Sabotage -- Dutch @ 1:24 pm
RTMark.com, corporate sabotage, culture jamming, anarchist's playground. Sent these guys an e-mail offering my services as a rogue employee. It is a cause worth fighting for, but the site also makes an interesting/entertaining read. Go there for the articles, stay for the revolution.

Found through Stile Project reader mail.

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Amazon sucks.com -- Dutch @ 1:20 pm
Amazon panned in Wired, Dutch celebrating.

For months Amazon had teetered on the edge while its lesser e-competitors fell into the abyss of Wall Street rejection. Quite suddenly, it lost its footing and fell.

It's not what one is accustomed to hearing from big-time investors about Jeff Bezos's once-beloved e-baby, but here it is, a heartfelt "Thank God!"

Hoping this makes the cover of Time; would make a nice follow-up to Jeff Bezos being named Man of the Year. The idea that a company can be successful without making profits struck me as a bit off, but the way Amazon established corporate power as the model for online business and is now failing--that's really a cause to celebrate.

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I hope it comes with Chim-Chim... -- Bud @ 7:45 pm
A fellow out here in Southern Cali. has built a real life Mach 5, just like Speed Racer's. He is taking it on a 17 city tour and then he is gonna sell it on ebay. It has over 400 horsepower, retractable buzz saw blades and many other "true to the cartoon" features. They hope to build about 100 more cars, these of course will be more street legal models. This one is expected to go for over 200 grand.

Sharkey, I think we need to make this the official car of BAMF. All of our loyal readers can donate to the purchase. Right guys!

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Ride the Lightning -- Captain Terror @ 6:49 pm
Okay, most of you know the Capster tries not to get to political, but this is really pissing me off. The papers have all been talking about how this is the 23rd execution in Texas this year. And my question is, "Is this a bad thing?" The main focus has been on Gary Graham who was convicted of the 1981 murder of 53-year-old Bobby Lambert outside a Houston supermarket. After the conviction, Graham had remained on death row for over 16 years. 16 YEARS?!?!? And 23 executions in one year is a lot? The way I see it, we are way behind. We should be executing way more than 23 a year. How bout executing everyone who is sentenced to death, the same year they are sentenced to death. That way they don't suck our tax dollars while they are rotting in prison for 16 years. If you are worried about being sentenced to death, I have some advice for you, DON'T KILL ANYONE AND YOU WONT BE SENTENCED TO DEATH. It is that simple. Shit, line up all the inmates sentenced to death and give me an AK-47 and I'LL do it. And all I'll ask in return is that new Gundam video game for Dreamcast and a year subscription to Penthouse. Hardly the 100's of thousands you would spend otherwise.
C.T.

-- Post Your Comments :: (44)

Some quick mental notes.... -- Sharkey @ 5:06 pm
Note to self:  Kill main page staff....

Second Note to self:  Replace main page staff with robotic monkeys and hot women.

Third Note to self:  See Katie Holmes naked, kill Mox if unable to complete this task...

Final Note to self:  Find out what states I'm allowed to have sex with Mandy Moore in...

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The way to a woman's heart... -- Sharkey @ 11:23 am
...is with a big fucking gun. At least, that's the way it goes in Cambodia. Especially for this guy. Dig it:

A Cambodian man who was denied his lover's hand in marriage eventually won it after backing up his proposal with an AK-47 assault rifle and a bucket of gasoline.

Sitha held them at gunpoint for hours in the incident on Wednesday, threatening to shoot the family and burn their house down if they did not give their blessing.

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Mox is alive, for now... -- Sharkey @ 9:13 am
So I'm working at home last night, and the phone rings. I let one of my roommates get it, because I really didn't feel like getting up. It was Mox. His first words off the phone are, "Hey man, I just saw your wife naked!"

Of course, I respond immediately with, "How did you see my wife Katie Holmes naked?" He tells me that he just got out of what I can only assume was a post-production screening of The Gift, a film by Sam Raimi and written by Billy Bob Thornton. It's got an all-star cast, Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reeves (Whoa...), Giovanni Ribisi, and of course, my wife, Katie Holmes. But folks, the movie ain't what's important. The fact that she shows her lovely chest region in the film is what I'm concerned about.

Of course, I'm seething with jealousy from the moment he tells me, so of course my next question is, "What color is she?" He lets me know that she's a brownie. And not only that, he says they're phenominal. Better than imaginable. And even better, I can't see the flick until the Fall. *record scratch* WHAT!?!?

So of course, now I'm a little upset. I must, I repeat, MUST see this film. Anyone out there think they can help? Orion? Somebody? Mox won't let me live this one down until I've seen them, and I'm afraid after the first words I may have to kill my friend. So I guess in a way, Mox needs your help too. He'd ask for it himself, but he's stuffed in a toilet outside the Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles on Sunset. Mmm... 'Scoes Special...

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Slice of the Day -- Sharkey @ 4:37 pm
And yet again, more love from our newest staffer Peter. This chick is only known for her numerous modeling gigs, but she's supposed to be a serious contender in the supermodel world right now. Say hello to this fine gallery of Gisele Bundchen:

Click for the gallery

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You too can make a difference -- Sharkey @ 1:59 pm
Go Vote Yes. Now. I miss my old sparring partner, and Mox is in desparate need of a little nookie. :)

-- Post Your Comments :: (6)

NetSol? On The List® -- Sharkey @ 1:19 pm
Oh, oh Network Solutions is so on The List®. I was checking out /. and I saw that NetSol is going to be auctioning off domain names. That's right, if you miss your payment, your precious domain goes off to the highest bidder. Does this seem somewhat unethical on the part of NetSol? No, not because they want to capitalize on this type of thing, I find no fault in their attempts to earn more revenue. I think that these sons of whores should fix their goddamn systems before they even think of trying to take more money from hard-workin' folks. Remember the domain hijacking? Oh yeah, I lost time and money because of their stupidity. Do I get any of that back? Fuck no.

Bastards.

-- Post Your Comments :: (4)

Must reboot brain... too much...outside..stupidity.... -- Sharkey @ 12:29 pm
Oh please... make it stop. It's puttin' a hurtin' on my brain...

Banner Killers aim is to improve Internet users experience. You can help us by telling all your friends and placing our small advertising banner on your site. The idea behind us advertising is to make people aware of Banner Killers.

Man down.... Man down. *GAAAAKK* *flatlines* beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep......

-- Post Your Comments :: (10)

Let's go away for awhile, you and I... -- Sharkey @ 9:42 am
So, let me tell you about suck, before Bolt Boy gets the itch to post. Bolt came to me the other day and told me that Weezer was playing a "hush-hush" show up in the LBC yesterday night. Damn skippy, I've never caught a Weezer show, so you know I was down. So last night I pick up da Bolt after his hockey game, and we start hauling ass down to Long Beach. Of course, five miles out of town we hit some lovely traffic. Seems that the city feels it's a good idea to close down THREE DAMN LANES at around 9 in the evening. No no, waiting until midnight when nobody is on the road would deprive them from watching a five mile chain of honking cars trying to wedge themselves past all of the construction. So some city planner types are dead, obviously.

Bolt Boy's phone rings, and it's Killbot1138 from the Movies section. He lets us know that the tickets did not go on sale at 10PM as previously was thought. The tickets sold out somewhere around noon, so we were plenty upset. We figured we'd head up there anyway, maybe grab a bite to eat with Killbot and the rest of the crew. Along the way there was this major accident where a car had just slammed into a tree, and exploded. The tree was engulfed in flames, as was the car. It must have happened like ten seconds before we got there. Dunno if anyone was hurt, or how badly.

Sucks that we didn't get to see Weezer, it would have kicked some serious ass. But, we'll get to see them next weekend at the Warped Tour I guess.

When we were eating last night, there were more mutants than at your standard comic convention. And they all had to use the bathroom, conveniently located next to our table. *shudders* There was this one old broad, she had tits that hung down to her bellybutton, and she was wearing a tank top. I accidentally turned to look, and my eyes started searing with pain. I grabbed for my fork and tried to jam it into my eye socket, but my so-called "friends" decided to stop me. The image of that old cow haunted me last night. I doubt I'll ever get that image out of my head. Sort of like that ep-sample video that R33t.org put up.

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