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News Flash: Bill Gates Wealthy! [Posted by charlie at 4:08 PM on Saturday, January 8, 2000] We just discovered this excellent page which attempts to calculate Bill Gates' net worth. Some of our favorite bits: On 14 October 2009, Bill Gates will be able to pay the entire U.S. national debt. Gates makes enough money per second that, should he see $1,000 lying on the floor, he would actually lose money by stopping to pick it up. Bill himself is worth about $33 Million per ounce (assuming he weighs 180 lbs.) If Bill Gates were charged $1 per copy of a Windows OS each time it crashed, his wealth would last only a measly 2 years. Read Comments More Cops on Drugs [Posted by no.fun.charlene at 3:39 PM on Saturday, January 8, 2000] This happens so often it is hardly news anymore. Certainly the Rampart Scandal has kept this kind of thing present in the LA media. But we thought we'd post this little item on officer hanky-panky in Colorado since it concerns the increasingly popular "date rape drug" Rohypnol. Roofies: when the uniform and gun just aren't enough to get you laid. Read Comments Yawn 2K Roundup [Posted by a horde of angry hippos at 3:08 AM on Wednesday, January 5, 2000] Well, we were not going to say shit about Y2K, but we didn't want these stories to go to waste. While nothing of millennial interest actually happened when the date changed, a few newsworthy moments do deserve an honorable mention: No Cyber-Terrorist Strike. Gee. Naked Women Trigger Riot in Montana. Sabrina Named Gang Bang Queen: This porno star rung in the year 2000 by nailing 2000 men, a new world record. Apparently FOX News, in a bid to clean up its pro-family image, will do a story on Sabrina's bold feat. You heard it here first. Gary North still promises Y2K doom and gloom. So do other y2k alarmists. What is there to say when the world doesn't end? No Y5.76K Problem in Israel Robert Scheer, "Cast Wary Eye on Internet" Los Angeles Times (04 January 2000): Otherwise dry article from a guy who once wrote an excellent book, but does contain the astute observation that AOL's instant messaging is "a pervasive assault on the sanctity of thought." Matt Drudge celebrated the millennium the only way he knows how; by looking for sex at the White House. Surprise, surprise, he found some! Gateway Spokesperson Reads NoFunCharlie! Steals Phrase "Yawn-2K" from Commodore Sloat! Web Site Glitches for Y2K (screenshots from the meme pool) January 1, 3900 sometime in 20100 January 1, 192000 January 1, 192000 another from January 1, 192000 January 1, 202000 Read Comments NATO Troops Promote Prostitution! [Posted by Commodore Sloat at 1:30 AM on Wednesday, January 5, 2000] NATO troops in Kosovo have led to a boom in the already booming Eastern European prostitution industry! A military man myself (well, a military insect that is), I am glad to finally hear that the NATO presence in Kosovo accomplished something. Read Comments Wal-Mart Admits Peddling Porno [Posted by Commodore Sloat at 1:15 AM on Wednesday, January 5, 2000] America's favorite family store, known for its tolerance of freedom and fine treatment of employees (not to mention its steady stock of guns and Viagra), alarmed shoppers by offering "sex books" online after updating their website to prepare for the first shopping rush of the new year. Now the Commodore has nothing against more sex at Wal-Mart. But it wonders whether the world's largest retailer can even distinguish "sex books" from church bulletins. Abigail Goldman, "Wal-Mart Says Mix-Up Put Sex Books on Web Site," Los Angeles Times (04 January 2000). Does Wal-Mart sell Bestiality Videos? Wal-Mart Stock Price & Business News Read Comments New Kumquat Remix Available Now! [Posted by charlie at 4:36 PM on Tuesday, January 4, 2000] NoFunCharlie proudly offers its surfers a direct download of the latest kumquat remix in mp3 format. Get into the mp3 revolution with some tasty new drum-n-bass! This song was written and originally performed by our very own kumquat and remixed by seismologist, who is hard at work winning the war against plate techtonics. Read Comments Yawn-2K: The Official Vomit of the New Millenium [Posted by Commodore Sloat at 7:34 PM on Wednesday, December 29, 1999] Of course the Commodore plans to party heavily on New Year's Eve, at least as much as I do every other night. But this bug is getting damn sick of its limelight being stolen by the y2k bug and other meaningless millennium madness. It's not even the proper millennium people! Commodore Sloat will never understand humans. Thus I was pleased to read this article about the new y2k-malcontents. Let's party like it's 1992! "Most people plan to stay home, stockpiling little more than Cold Duck and onion dip, trying not to doze as Dick Clark ... tries to keep people pumped up about celebrating a New York minute based on a calendar that wasn't even invented until someone in Rome decided it was 526.... [Meanwhile,] cops are pulling New Year's eve overtime because ... no public official wants to be held accountable if terrorists with a consistent track record of staging the completely unforeseen decide to strike at the one moment when everybody is most expecting them." Mark Fritz, "Millennium Hoopla," Los Angeles Times (29 December 1999). 100,000 Angelenos covered in shit on New Year's Eve: almost! Horseless Carriages registered in Maine thanks to y2k bug. Nevada Reservoir Runs Dry: Good thing Commodore Sloat drinks toilet water! Read Comments ToyWar Update: Etoys "Steps Back" from Bogus Suit [Posted by a horde of angry hippos at 6:14 PM on Wednesday, December 29, 1999] Surprise, surprise. Etoys, which never had a chance of winning its ridiculous lawsuit in the first place, is agreeing to temporarily "move away from" the lawsuit, conveniently just after the Christmas shopping season. Clearly, the suit had one purpose to begin with: intimidate etoy with legal pressure and get them knocked offline until the shopping is done. Etoys is now trying to escape accountability for its illegal actions against etoy by pretending to drop the suit, leaving etoy with huge legal fees if they drop their countersuit. Fuck that; we think etoy should press on with their suit. Etoys' actions here are little more than a SLAPP in the face to individual expression. Ernest Lucha of RTMark: "It's good that eToys is now being shamed into lying to the press that its 'intent was never to silence free artistic expression. But 'moving away' from the suit, without anything even resembling an apology, let alone compensation, and now that their shopping season is over, is just pathetic." RtMark Responds: "EToys Wins" Similar trademark travesties Slashdot discussion Read Comments

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